Myth Busters: Living Together Before Marriage

Recently I attended a wedding. Typically I find myself on center stage at weddings as the officiant, leading a couple through the marriage vows. However on this particular occasion I had the rare experience of sitting on the back pew observing the ceremony. What really stuck with me was the magnificent simplicity of the marriage vows. Here's what this particular couple said to each other:

In the name of God, I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife/husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better or worse, for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,
until we are parted by death.
This is my solemn vow.

These vows are nearly identical to the ones Kim and I recited to each other nearly 15 years ago and it was somewhat unsettling to hear this couple recite them. Isn't it intriguing how the vows reflect the truth that marriage will likely include times of hardship and sacrifice? Marriage is still popular despite the increasing number of couples that choose to live together. Most of these couples will at some point recite some similar vows and make their relationship a permanent one.

Wondering about the merits of marriage vs. living together made me curious as to what research might show about the effects of living together prior to marriage. Predictably, a Google search gave me numerous hits but one site in particular stuck out. Dr. Willard Harley, a psychologist who has written much about relationships and marriage, quotes many different studies on his web site found here.

The many studies that have been done show that the risk of divorce increases by 80%, more or less, among those who live together prior to marriage. I'm sure this confounds those who would like us to believe that there are no ill effects from living together. Fortunately, one study I read said that couples living together who attend premarital counseling prior to marriage reduce the risk of divorce, down to a nearly even level with those who do not live together before marriage.

One of the myths of our culture is that living together prior to marriage is OK. The research proves otherwise. Perhaps it's time to talk about this more in the church.