Recently I attended a wedding. Typically I find myself on center stage at weddings as the officiant, leading a couple through the marriage vows. However on this particular occasion I had the rare experience of sitting on the back pew observing the ceremony. What really stuck with me was the magnificent simplicity of the marriage vows. Here's what this particular couple said to each other:
In the name of God, I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife/husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better or worse, for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish,
until we are parted by death.
This is my solemn vow.
These vows are nearly identical to the ones Kim and I recited to each other nearly 15 years ago and it was somewhat unsettling to hear this couple recite them. Isn't it intriguing how the vows reflect the truth that marriage will likely include times of hardship and sacrifice? Marriage is still popular despite the increasing number of couples that choose to live together. Most of these couples will at some point recite some similar vows and make their relationship a permanent one.
Wondering about the merits of marriage vs. living together made me curious as to what research might show about the effects of living together prior to marriage. Predictably, a Google search gave me numerous hits but one site in particular stuck out. Dr. Willard Harley, a psychologist who has written much about relationships and marriage, quotes many different studies on his web site found here.
The many studies that have been done show that the risk of divorce increases by 80%, more or less, among those who live together prior to marriage. I'm sure this confounds those who would like us to believe that there are no ill effects from living together. Fortunately, one study I read said that couples living together who attend premarital counseling prior to marriage reduce the risk of divorce, down to a nearly even level with those who do not live together before marriage.
One of the myths of our culture is that living together prior to marriage is OK. The research proves otherwise. Perhaps it's time to talk about this more in the church.
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3 comments:
I forget how many times Johnny Carson was married, but I'll never forget when he said, "I don't seen anything wrong with 50% of marriages ending in divorce. Just think about how the other 50% end."
There is nothing wrong with living with someone prior to marriage. If it ends in divorce, then it was not meant to be. My fiance and I have lived together for 3.5 years (together for nearly 5), and are still going strong. Are you religious types deluded enough to believe that divorce is an abomination? If divorce happens, it has nothing to do with living together prior to marriage. It has to do with the couples who don't mesh well together in the first place. Living together is like trying on a piece of clothing before you purchase it.
What confounds these studies you quote is the fact that those who don't live together prior to marriage put more pressure on themselves to stay married because of their religion, family pressures and values, and the fear of divorce because of familial and religious implications. While you say this may be good, what about the happiness of said couples? Are they happy simply because they stay together? They probably stay together because of the factors listed above, not because they are truly happy.
So, since the studies are confounded by such factors, there is nothing out there leading anyone to believe unmarried couples living together leads them to a higher divorce rate.
@ lindsey h:
thanks for commenting on the post. A few thoughts in response:
1. Your view that "if [a marriage] ends in divorce, then it was not meant to be" comes from the philosophical school known as determinism. Determinism basically says that what will be will be and there is nothing we can do about it. I disagree with that type of thinking--it reminds me of not studying for a test because whatever will be, will be. This viewpoint discounts the fact that we have a great deal of control over our lives, with the choices that we make. Therefore a relationship is not simply 'meant to be' or not, but can be and is influenced by the actions of both parties within the relationship, whether for good or for ill.
2. Comparing what is likely our most important relationship to 'trying on a piece of clothing before you purchase it' makes me sad. Relationships are hard work, as you already likely know since you say you have been in a long term relationship. The temptation to abandon a relationship because it doesn't feel good or look good or gets worn (usually times we get rid of clothes) is one of the reasons many people cannot sustain relationships for a long period of time and certainly a cause of divorce.
3. "These studies" are not confounded by the "facts" you have asserted. The rate of divorce by those who self identify as evangelical Christians is identical to the rest of the U.S. population. So apparently those "family pressures and values" and "religious implications" you cite are not enough to prevent divorce. Indeed, these people may not be happy, but I get the sense from reading your post that you and I would probably not come to agreement on a definition for the word 'happiness.'
4. I congratulate you and your fiance on your 5 years together. However, your citing of one success does not mean that there are not a lot of other failures, just as one exception does not necessarily disprove what happens in most cases. I hope that you will continue to stay together and have a great relationship and a great marriage. Your post makes a lot of assumptions ("deluded to belief divorce is an abomination") that have little to do with what I posted. As a person who has been divorced and who deals with the terrible effects of divorce on individuals and families daily, my desire is to help people avoid divorce. While I have a religious basis for my beliefs, I am at heart a pragmatist. The success rate for first marriages is 50%, second marriages 33%, third marriages 15%, and beyond a third the success rate drops to 10% Perhaps I am deluded. But I will not stop trying!
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